Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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