i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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