but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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