what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
