now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
