Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
