Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
