I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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