she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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