And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
The best revenge is premature balding
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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