Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
