For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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