i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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