I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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