Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
