My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
