He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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