I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
