burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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