We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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