there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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