I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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