i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
