I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
