Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
