He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
FUCK WHALES
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
