Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
