im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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