I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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