I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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