My underwear smells like fireworks.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
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