i was born a porn star she said
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize