So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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