i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
