i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
only you would photoshop your dick
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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