I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
