so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
