Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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