i think my tv is drunk
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
