Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
