So drunk its hurt
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
