So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
