Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
