My room smells like vodka and shame
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
