I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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