The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
