i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
