I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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