My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I AM VODKA MAN
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
