Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
