The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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