She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
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