The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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