At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I need to calm my uterus...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
