i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
