ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
