my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
