fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
