Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
